There's a monster under my bed. I have that Ikea bed with the storage drawers, and one of the drawers is filled with last brushes from my dentist, socks without a twin, and a freezer of a liter full of beauty samples that I will never use.
I spend a lot of time at the cashier in Sephora thinking about what freebie I want, and then I tell myself I will pack it on my next weekend outing. Alas, it would be so wonderful to have this tube of shimmery lip gloss if I was sitting at a lake in Michigan and wearing no makeup. But haha! Who travels more? Who has more frivolous commercial deals in person? The world is upside down, so it's the perfect time to turn that bag of monsters upside down and use them. One small package of potentially expiring moisturizer at a time.
Here are examples I opened this week, and my dutifully honest reviews. It feels both productive and entertaining, like when people lie to do sit-ups while watching TV. Nobody does it! But this – it is achievable.
There was a supposed beauty sale at Bloomingdale last year, so I bought two of my beloved Chanel tinted moisturizers to get about 15 percent off. The salesman threw this beautiful mascara sample into my purse as if it was a special treat I deserved. I just spent $ 76 on cream which makes my face look a bit more like my face … thanks for the bonus? But the mascara is wonderful. My lashes look like long legs from dad, and isn't that the dream?
It is a keyboard cleaner for your face. At first, I was scared of it, and then I closed my eyes when I got under pressure, missed and expensive serum on my earlobe. You are supposed to shake and inject the cold, oxygen-containing liquid on your face, massage it and watch the fine lines smooth out before your laughing eyes. Or try to. I was pretty sure the signature on my forehead was shrinking, but like Post Malone's warmth, it would have been a trick of the light.
It was my birthday present from Sephora, but if anyone from the company listens, I would prefer cash next year, thank you. This thumb-sized stick in the shade work (OK) was a meh. I thought it would improve my cheeks to look healthy and maybe even sexual, but no, the same. Drip and chew.
Cry out to my friend's mother Lisa who works at the beauty salon at Neiman Marcus. Queen Lisa gave this adorable little gem to my unworthy ass. This decadent (if we play the accent game) night cream costs $ 550, which is insane. It is buttery like cultured cream at Eataly room temperature – not ice-cold Land O'Lakes bullshit. I love it very much, and will never pay for it.
Pearly pink goo, where are you from? I haven't been wearing makeup for the first time in weeks, and between you and me and the dog squeaking outside my window – I think primer is a placebo. Do I need another layer of makeup to keep the makeup on? I've already done serum, moisturizer and keyboard cleaner! The Stellar does go velvety like the OG SmashBox underlay that made the primer a whole thing. However, I remain unconvinced.
I stayed up late dancing TikToks of bored teenagers in their McMansions parents so my eyes could use all the help they could get. In this case, a thin layer of white cream that illuminates them as if they were through a flashlight while telling a scary story. CRAZY ABOUT IT. I AM RADIANT. I saw spirits. Will maybe even buy again if I ever go through my 37 other eye cream samples.
I was also slightly scared of this because I hadn't heard too much about retinol and heard horror stories from people's faces. Or maybe just flake. I used it & # 39; s a couple of evenings throughout the week and can't say that it did something as dramatic as Good Genes did for me – I'll stay with this one. And fortunately, my face did not mow, melt or otherwise spontaneously burn.
It's hard to eat the wonders of a greasy avocado, but this mask is trying bravely. You have to use ⅓ of the baby holder, because the other 2/3 feels like leftover Jell-O. Take a ton in your palm, rub it until it emulates, and then glue on your face like you would use freshly roasted sourdough. I've always thought that moisturizing masks are a scam, just like my unsubstantiated theory, because you wash it off. WHY DON'T YOU USE THE DICK MANAGER WHEN YOU ARE DRYING? But I liked the way it made me look like the Wicked Witch of the West (if she had a condition where her skin came off – leprosy?), And my cheeks felt pretty hydrated afterwards. Obviously, I followed it up with a packet sample (one of 3,000 – it is known that Kiehl's specimens reproduce spontaneously if it does not stay under the bed) of Kiehl's daily moisturizer, which is light and creamy was.
Smells like the unmistakable shampoo. For a few days, my shower filled with the sexy scent of Côte d'Azur … I think, it's never been like that. Then I jump out of the shower in fresh sweatpants and remember: I'm not going anywhere.
Photo via the author.